This page is dedicated to the works of Jóna Rúna Kvaran. “My mother sexually abuses me” Jóna Rúna answers a letter from Beggi, a sixteen- year old Icelandic boy. “Dear Jóna Rúna! It´s very difficult to begin writing this letter to you, I already feel like not going through with it. I´m still going to try to unload my burden although I feel miserable even before I´ve really written anything. If I wasn´t at my wits end I´d propably be doing anything else than this.Thankfully I´ve followed your answers to letters for a long time and little by little I´ve begun to feel as if I can trust you. I know that what I need to talk to you about is incredible but unfortunately it´s true. I´m only sixteen and rather shy and insecure. I live with my mother who is destroying my life I think. I don´t have any siblings and am not in a special relationship with family relatives. What I want to tell you is about my mother and problems in our relations. I have to apologize in advance because what I´m about to tell you is so disgusting but I just have to. I and my mother have lived alone since my father left us for another woman about five years ago. Since he left, everything has been going downhill for us and it has reached the point where I seriously think I´m loosing my mind or even worse. When Dad left things started to change rather rapidly. Mom has always had a difficult temperament but she´s always been kind to me, except when she looses her temper which happens alot. She´s an alcoholic and she goes on what I think is called a bender, a kind of period when she´s drunk. She becomes a completely different and obnoxious character and that´s what I want to tell you about because I can´t bear to live alone with the shame inside me anymore. Since my confirmation (13years old) I´ve slept in the same bed as she. This thing started shortly after we started sharing a bed. One night when she had been drunk for two days I realised as I lay beside her in bed, that she was touching my private parts. I became completely paralysed and what followed is the thing that I find so revolting. She made me have intercourse with her and she still does. For three years now she uses me like this on a regular basis and it always begins in the same way, she gets drunk, I´m sleeping and wake up to her touching my genitals and then she commands me to be with her. I´m so devastated when I write about this to you, Jóna Rúna, that I repeatedly have to stop and calm myself down. I´ve never told anyone about this and I don´t plan to either because I´m so ashamed. I feel so disgusted by myself and hate myself so much that I really just want to commit suicide. When Mom´s not drunk I haven´t got the courage to tell her that I don´t want this, because I´m so afraid that she´ll get furious and maybe say that I´m making this all up to torture her. She hasn´t expressed her feelings towards me for years and she would never ever even think of abusing me like this when she´s not drunk. At least she still hasn´t done it. We never talk about it afterwards. It´s almost as if she turns into this miserable person when she´s drunk who enjoys using her own son for sexual pleasure, which is in my opinion revolting and I can´t stand that it´s happening. She forces me into doing these things and I seem to be such a push-over, or maybe I´m just plain scared of her, that I´m just like a puppet in her hands. When I´m in school I feel that everyone must know and that it somehow shows on me. I hate myself and I´m sure I should just kill myself to get rid of the shame or at least to get away from Mom. Dear Jóna Rúna, what can I do? Is it normal for a person to do these things? Mom has a good job in we are relatively well off in that respect. She hardly allows me to socialise with my friends and she even tries to control what clothes I wear. I´m totally under her power. Isn´t it a risk that I become abnormal in some way because of what´s happening? I have a feeling I won´t be able to perform sexually with women later on . Could I become anti-female? Do you think that I will become homosexual because of the way my mother has been treating me? It has occurred to me to talk about this with our priest but I always loose my nerve. The embarrassment is also so tremendous that I fear that my life will be ruined if I tell anyone. Will you please tell me if it can be that she´s crazy? Is there a Hell on the other side? Can it be that she´s taking her revenge out on me because of my father´s failure? Would you please answer me as quickly as possible but change the letter and don´t use my real name, only the pseudonym that I give you? With gratitude and hope for answers, Beggi.” Dear Beggi. How wonderful it is to receive a letter from someone who cares so about me. Thank you very much for the interest you show in my work and for everything in your letter that shows your concerns for my possible difficulties in reading and answering your letter. You know what? I can stomach a lot of things and that is perhaps not strange since I´ve also been through some things that are equally disturbing. Although you chose to write to me about the misery you´re going through, you can´t for one moment think that I´m not capable of seeing that you are not the one who started this horror even though you´re forced to participate in a blatant manner. I know that you´re not the only boy in Iceland in this situation and that´s why I´m sure that it will be good to look further into your situation if it could help you and others in the same kind of trouble. I will use my insight, knowledge and experience as before in my guiding and advise. My job is not to solve anything, but rather to give some ideas and guidance that could possibly direct you into the path of legitimate actions and help. Because in your situation the specific advise of experts will certainly be needed if you are to overcome your troubles. Organisations to help incest survivors I have written about incest before but that was a case reversed or opposite this one. The father was sexually abusing all his children to my recollection or at least the girl who wrote to me. Thankfully we here in Iceland have a powerful organisation that fights sexual abuse and is called “Stígamót” (Crossroads). It´s true that most publicity of these matters has been about the abuse of women and girls and less has been spoken about the sexual abuse of men and boys. I have to admit that I have received a few letters like yours and it always horrifies one to think that such mental and physical filth thrives in a community that is supposed to be so civilized, but that is still the fact in many places. Before I comment on your letter I want to encourage you to go directly to the organisations mentioned above. This horrible experience of yours definitely calls for professional help so that you not break down completely, humiliated and crushed as you already are by this awful treatment from your mother inflicted upon your defenceless self. The human rights of children must prevail As you know my dear, you do not have to fear rejection from those who offer assistance in these matters, even though you may be one of the few males who dare to cry for help, as you are doing now by writing to me. I also want to ask every parent who has the smallest suspicion that their child might be abused, to contact the formerly mentioned organisation. It´s also important to ask everyone who suspects such an abomination to be taken place somewhere, to contact the correct authorities. We must keep close guard over those who can´t defend themselves in our society no matter what. It´s sad to admit that the cases that reach the surface are most likely only the tip of the iceberg. Away with the family executioners It´s an absolute priority that we safeguard the rights of our children by exposing the criminal men and women who dare to molest innocent kids, whether that abuse takes place at home or somewhere else. All publicity that decreases the feeling of security these sexual predators have, is an improvement. There is full reason to try to minimise the opportunities these “family executioners” have, to betray their own children. Instead of protecting their young, they betray them and ruin their chances for a productive and happy life. Therefore I say and truly mean every word of it: “Away with the family executioners, for what they practise is an unforgivable act of cruelty against those who can´t defend themselves.” Whilst these sexual tyrants continue to thrive in the cover of secrecy and the fear their victims have of possible punishment if they dare to talk, there is a risk of a continual increase in the number of youngsters who are victimised by such violence. The damage done to these individuals is usually unrepairable, not surprising since the acts of violence are incest made possible by their loved-ones. Something that is incredible, unforgivable in every way and very cruel. Upbringing and morality One should think that children and teenagers should be free from the violence of incest in their homes. To abuse one´s child in such a morbid way is horribly unmoral, besides being vulgar and an unrepairable breach of the confidence a child has for it´s parent. Whether it´s some form of insanity or sociopathy that can explain your mother´s behaviour is for mental-health experts to evaluate, not me. But what´s happening is surly a gross and inhumane violation of your human rights and a complete breach of confidence between the two of you. In the case of incest, the quest for power or domination over the weaker party using this kind of sordid abuse, is sometimes a greater reason for it than pure sexual desire. The youth of our children should not be shadowed by the terror that comes with such sordid activities. It should be the God-given right of every child to be able to enjoy themselves growing up in a peaceful and secure manner. People who actually have the nerve to destroy the natural and emotional relationship between a parent and child with such outrageous behaviour should never get the opportunity to have children in their care. Children should never be in any kind of danger from their parents, neither inside or outside the home, even though that is not always the case as your sad situation undeniably proves. Alcoholism and madness You write that she only does these things under the influence of alcohol and there by you are convincing yourself that she can´t help herself or that she doesn´t know what she´s doing to you. Although it´s hard to accept, she must know what she´s doing because she isn´t too drunk not to sense her own sexuality and manipulate you into fulfilling her needs. She also realises that it is you, her own son, that she´s forcing to participate in meeting her own sickly cravings and tendencies. It´s impossible to free her of responsibility for her actions simply because she´s drunk. We would be justifying her behaviour simply because by drinking she weakens her will and judgement for one moment. (Should drunk drivers not be held responsible for their actions?) Painful as it certainly is for you, you must realise that at this time in your life your mother is your worst enemy. Instead of protecting you and encouraging, she´s breaking your spirit and betraying you by making sexual demands of you that are completely unjust and inappropriate. Incest is the victim´s Hell What´s maybe most horrible in the tragic pattern of incest, is that the children who are treated in this fashion by their parents, have almost no means of escape unless with the help of outsiders. That´s why the victims must seek out help where they can get assistance from experts to perhaps solve some of their problems, if possible. In regards to your question as to if what you´re mother is doing to you is normal, then my answer is: No! This is an abnormal behaviour, completely incomprehensible for those who stand outside this form of abuse and behaviour. No person who loves his or her child would offer it the Hell which incest always is for the victim. Abnormal or homosexual Concerning your fear of becoming abnormal because of your mothers sexual abuse I think is save to say that it will probably not be so. You can expect to experience some negative feelings towards the idea of sex in general while your still getting help to recover from the wrongness of your mothers actions. Of course you won´t become homosexual just because you have suffered sexual molestation from a member of the opposite sex and a loved-one. I believe that homosexuality is usually something you´re born with and not something that violence or disillusions can create in a person. Most things can be nurtured Certainly it can be agreed upon that all kinds of different behaviour can be nurtured, whether it is right or wrong, if there is a will to it. It goes without saying that the good things in people´s personalities and behaviour should be nurtured rather then the negative things. Our sexual orientation is usually something that we are born with but unfortunately it can probably be distorted or guided into a wrong path. If we on the other hand are bisexually oriented and have suffered sexual abuse from the opposite sex , it wouldn´t come as a big surprise that we would rather be homosexual then not. If this were to happen to you, you would probably have to have some streak of bisexuality in you beforehand, even though your mother did this to you. So please don´t worry about becoming sexually abnormal or homosexual because your thoughts about this probably mean that you´re quite the contrary. That is to say, that you are heterosexual and will stay that way if you get the correct treatment from those who can help you sort out your non-surprising temporary psychological problems regarding your sexuality. Psychological assistance and deformed relations Of course there is always a chance that your resentment and fear of your mother could influence your judgement of the opposite sex. That will only (if ever) be a temporary problem directly related to your bad memories of your mother and not because other women will trouble you in the future. You will most likely need a psychologist´s assistance in these matters. When something like incest has been going on, there is always a need for the help of psychology or psychiatry, and that sooner than later. You might experience some fear of women and find it difficult to trust them after your mother´s complete and utter breach of confidence and the trust supposed to be between a parent and child. Your mother is NOT a classic example of an ordinary woman. The role-model she has presented herself as, in your mind, is very sick and deranged, because it is sexual. Her behaviour could never be considered acceptable or healthy. Whether she is mentally ill I cannot say. But her abusive treatment is anything but normal. Her morality is in total ruins and as distorted as possible. But whether it is insanity of some sort I am not qualified to say. Revenge or unscrupulence Regarding your pondering whether she´s expressing her feelings of revenge towards your father who left you because of adultery, is difficult to say. It´s always possible that she´s doing this unconsciously but it´s both extraordinary and unjust if she thinks she can get revenge for your father´s betrayal by abusing you. What exactly are the psychological reasons for her atrocities is hard to tell. A good psychologist might be able to help you find that out, but to me it´s incomprehensible. It´s no wonder I don´t understand because frankly I could never have imagined that what you´re going through is actually a possibility in the parent-child relationship. Suicide and punishment after death Regarding your suicidal thoughts I have this to say: it´s wrong to even think like that! Although your feelings of resignation and resentment towards your mother have landed you in a temporary depression, it´s important to tell you that you´re not any better of on the other side. You are not the guilty one in your communication, she is. You would never be punished on the other side. It´s also clear that your soul will survive your physical death and with it your personality, thoughts and every experience you have gone through. As I said before you have not done anything wrong, your mother has. She has, with the power of one who dominates, forced you to do something that you feel is wrong and perverted, which it is. You shouldn´t feel guilty or rip yourself down because of this and you should certainly not erase yourself like a criminal from society. The victim´s nightmare is the aggressor´s fault You must seek help and support so you can get away from your mothers dominance and abuse. If you turn to “Stígamót” (Crossroads), the people who work there will help you to stop this nightmare you´re living in because of your mother. You are experiencing Hell on Earth at this time. I personally doubt that there is such a thing as Hell on the other side. But on the other hand, Christ did say that the Father´s house has many different chambers and we ourselves most likely control where we go after death by the actions we take on Earth. Maybe those who behaved alike in real life will end up in the same places. Self-rejection and self-destruction You are going through a lot of pain because of the sexual abuse inflicted upon you by your mother. You are also experiencing a strong contempt for your self, which doesn´t really come as a surprise considering what you´ve been through. But your unfortunate problems aren´t written all over you so it´s unlikely that anyone will ever realise what kind of violence is going on in your home. Since she forces you to participate in these acts, your defence system is probably rather weak, no wonder, since you were only about thirteen when this abomination started. It can well be, dearest, that because you most likely experience a certain release of physical pleasure when you have intercourse with her, that those feelings may cause you to worry. It´s just something that´s bound to happen since you can´t physically escape your mother´s forcing herself upon you and your glands start working. Your male body will work in a certain way, as is common knowledge, whether you want it to or not. I believe that you are letting your physical reactions scare you and fill you with unbearable self-loathing and that´s not really surprising. The holocaust of the victims My point is, sweetheart, that you´re a victim of incest and incest is always torture for those it is inflicted upon. You are no exception from other in the group of survivors. You feel the horrible misery of one person´s psychological holocaust because the consequences of such violence must bring about the most complex and heartbreaking problems. The damage done by such atrocities is always horrendous, and that´s stating it mildly. But first and foremost you must remember that you have not done anything wrong, she has. You are nothing but the hapless victim of the demoralised and psychotic behaviour of a woman who is also trapped in the bondage of alcoholism. A painful situation for her and probably not an improvement to her morality. I wish that my answer will give you the faith and hope needed to uproot this injustice and that you will find the courage to seek help. Something that you can do, because you´re not five years old but a sixteen year old teenager who must seek his right, because his mother certainly will not do it for him. Or as the hapless kid once said in to a group of friends:” My fellows, after I realised that I couldn´t even trust my mother, my whole system of security has crumbled. I´m afraid of everything and everyone and I see enemies in every corner. I feel as if my existence has been swept of it´s feet. But oddly enough, I also sense that there are people that can help me and for that to happen I must reveal my terrible secret and pass it on to those who work at making those who commit incest unable to get away with the betrayal. I´m not living in the silence anymore and you can blame me if you want to.” Good luck, dear, in your search for realistic help, may God give you strength and guide you into a promising future. Yours sincerely, Jóna Rúna. Written by: Jóna Rúna Kvaran;      Translated by: Nína Rúna Kvaran; Email .. ...