This page is dedicated to the works of Jóna Rúna Kvaran. “I’m an overprotective mother” Jóna Rúna answers an Icelandic Mother’s Worried Letter Letter: “Dear Jóna Rúna, I always read what you write and I think you’re great. I figured I might as well write to you about something that is really burdening me, in the hope that you might, dear Jóna Rúna, help me through your insight. The thing is that I have a boy that went through an awful lot of trouble to be born and I had to go through tremendous efforts so that his birth would be a success. He truly is a miracle, probably due to all the praying that went on for our behalf when we went through this ordeal. I thank God that he is beautiful, intelligent, healthy and completely wonderful. For various reasons I’m highly unlikely to be able to have more children and I think that the root of my problem lies in that fact. I went through this difficult process regarding his birth and since that time I have gone through a few things that were ment to increase my chances of having another child, but the results have not been good. Because of all of this I’m highly overprotective when it comes to my child. If I can’t see him, I become completely hysterical and I go to search for him. He’s not allowed to go anywhere alone except for a few streets and areas, but the children he plays with have much more freedom and sometimes I feel that their parents must be careless and bad, even though I know that they are not. I realise that my behaviour is bad for him and can make him dependant and naïve. I just can’t help myself. I just go catatonic at the thought of loosing him. I often wallow in such thoughts. What if this happens or if that happens? Before I know it my heartbeat is raising and I’m shivering with fear. The child’s father is completely free of everything like this and he just makes fun of me. I literally live for the child and I want to give him the absolute best of everything, especially the things that I didn’t have myself as a child. Dear Jóna Rúna, could you please tell me your opinion of this situation. I thank you in advance and hope that everything will work for you. Would you please make sure that I won’t be recognised by my letter. That would be really embarrassing. Regards, Snúlla.” “Dear Snúlla, My sincere thanks for your encouraging words. I’m very happy that you like my writing. As you can see, I had to both shorten and change your letter, but without altering the purpose of it and I hope that you approve of my changes. Your letter is very sweet and I think that a healthy common sense shines through it even though you are overwhelmed by the current situation. I will most certainly share with you my ideas and take a close look at the situation that burdens you so greatly. The advice and guidance I might give to you and others in a similar situation will never solve anything for you. My advise can rather be used as something to use along with some other more traditional forms of support that you might choose. What I mean is that I can only use my own personal wisdom, experience and insight in this answer and not any professional knowledge. The Grace of God Despite the fact that sometimes, medical science with all of it’s advanced technology has failed to help, some children manage to get born into this world though all the odds are against them from the start. I think it is only natural to assume after reading your letter that your boy’s existence can be accounted for because of both biological facts and the grace of God. Since he was not expected to live in the beginning there is no wonder that you feel a frightful insecurity regarding his development on this earth. You remember so clearly just how small and frivolous his chances was both during the pregnancy and after. This fear you had that was directly connected to his weak chance of life has carved itself a permanent place in your mind and you have let this fear involve everything concerning the boy’s existence in a way that is hurting both of you. The Role of the Future If you consider the fact that God is great and that he gave this little boy the power to survive even though all odds were against him, you’ll probably see that he might have some important role in the future that you just don’t know at this very moment. Grace is something that happens when things that by all likelihood should be impossible happen anyway and grace is what happened when this boy was born and my guess is because fate has a special plan for him. Fear keeps You Down If you are constantly doubting the child’s safety and life expectancy in any given circumstances, you are also doubting the purpose of the Lord when He in His infinite mercy gave that child his life and all the years he has lived so far and given you joy. You say that he is ‘beautiful, intelligent, healthy and completely wonderful’. This description of the child does not indicate that he is in any particular danger of him self or any others reasons as you of course know. It’s also means that he has a better chance than some people to cope and handle different situations. If you are sure that this description of yours is truly your comprehension of this child, then you should seriously reconsider all behaviour in your self that might undermine the fulfilment of his true potential. If he is hounded by your fears all his chances of a healthy and happy future life can be destroyed. Overprotection is Damaging As you point out yourself, you are possibly causing your child distress and emotional damage that might never be rectified, by your constant fear for his wellbeing. Our children must be free to find their own strength as soon as possible because the sooner they realize the choices they have in making their own fortune, the better. There is no wonder that you tend to spread your protective wing over your boy in an effort to shield him from all the things that might happen to him, because you suffered from great insecurity during your pregnancy and after the birth and you realized that you probably won’t have any more children,. My point is that it doesn’t matter how much we protect ourselves or our children, we are not the authors of life and therefore we can’t control everything that life might bring our children or ourselves. Of course there are things that we can be on the lookout for and certainly we must give our children an upbringing that is Christian, decent and peaceful but we are only able to control but a fraction of the things that happen to us on this earth. That means that we can’t insure every situation for those whom we love, no matter how clever and foresighted we might be. We have a Choice I have only this to say to your claims that you’re not able to control this pattern of fear you are trapped in: if we are fortunate enough to realize ourselves that our behaviour and attitude towards our children is making them both naïve and dependant as you state yourself, we must deal with and terminate that problem. You also state that this is beyond your control and that you can’t help it. If that is true, what you’re really saying is that you can’t learn to handle this problem without help or support. You turn to me, which in it self is quite all right but I think that isn’t enough even though it might perhaps be good to some extent. Because this situation has been going on for several years now and you are not even always aware of your behaviour, which is quite neurotic and obsessive, I think it’s time for you to seek some professional help. A professional can help you eliminate this fear that concerns your little miracle boy, a fear that is normal in part but abnormal if it is given the opportunity to grow and blossom and spread further through your soul and your boy’s as well. Psychologists and Misery The experience that you have gone through concerning the boy has for the time being weakened your psychological and emotional existence and so that you can overcome these faults and misery that follows, you should definitely go to a psychologist that is understanding and wise. That kind of professional will surely open a way for you to change the current situation. Therapy with a psychologist is a good way for healthy, normal people to deal with issues that they can’t manage by themselves because of fear. That’s what psychologists are for and nobody should let the prejudice and sarcasm of others stop him/her from using the professional service provided by therapists. We must Nourish Ourselves When our whole existence evolves around our children and loved-ones, it can often be at the expense of ourselves. You were not put on this earth to take the role of some controlling martyr in the life of your child. Alongside the duty’s you have concerning the boy you also have duties to yourself and those duties will be forgotten and neglected if you are obsessed with making sure that nothing bad happens to your child. If you are paralysed with fear and insecurity most days and are never or rarely able to relax, chances are that when your little boy really needs your help that you will be to exhausted and tired to help him because years of living in fear has smothered your willpower, sensibility and resistance. So, if you want the best for your child then seek some support. If your fear rubs over on your child it will cause him problems that all overprotective and controlled individuals have, problems that just might be to much for him to cope with later in life. Tired Nerves are Not Funny Your boy has his own life and he only has the time with you which God intended and there is no reason to think that that time won’t be happy and even longer than you and I both could have expected. At least the boy is here now and many dangers await him as they do for us all. Some are easy to prevent and others are impossible to plan for because fate has ment for us to tackle them and somehow work our way through them. We have to except the things that we can’t affect anyway, work our way through the things we can change and try with all our might to distinguish the difference between the two. You have to respect your difficult and negative feelings and not let other people get away with mocking them because even though they are hard to deal with and unpractical they are rooted in a very deep neurotic exhaustion. These feelings won’t be eliminated unless they are respected for what they are and tackled with sensibility, patience and understanding, both from you and others that might be or get involved. Just remember that a state of fearful thoughts that are directed at somebody else will eventually have a negative effect on that person, not to mention ourselves. Or as the negative mother once said when she was nearly collapsing from being on duty twenty four hours a day: “Darlings, to give birth to you and raise you, to love you and stimulate is one thing. But to think for you and make you dependant will surely diminish your possibilities when you are alone and have to take responsibility for your own lives and actions. So, dear children, just be yourselves and I’ll be there to guide you and support whenever you want and when I can use my maturity to help you avoid trouble. There nothing more can do without getting lost myself and to whom can I be useful if that happens? Not even my self, let alone you.” May God give you the strength to overcome your fears and relate with your child with ease in your mind and heart. Then you will involuntary enhance his well being in most circumstances but not vice versa. Yours Sincerely, Jóna Rúna. Written by: Jóna Rúna Kvaran;      Translated by: Nína Rúna Kvaran; Email .. ...